Remission

Is remission from depression possible? I have had depression for as long as I can remember. Some days are good others not so much. Lately I’ve felt the bad days are taking over. It doesn’t creep in, it comes all at once. It feels like you’re drowning. Like it doesn’t matter how hard you fight you can’t get your head above water.

I’ve been medicated for my depression for the better part of two years. Most days it seems to help, but there are still bad days. Is this how it will be for the rest of my life? Waking up every morning wondering what kind of day it will be. Will I get my house work done today? Will I avoid my family as much as I can? Will I try and sleep the day away? Not knowing the answer to these questions is hard. That’s when anxiety comes into play. Now I have depression and anxiety. The two, a deadly mixture.

Depressed to the point of not wanting to do anything and then scared that you’re not getting anything done. Pushing yourself to get just one more thing done yet scared it’s not enough. Worring that the house isn’t clean enough yet having no motivation to clean it.

If not being able to do anything and then worrying about not doing it isn’t bad enough add in the paranoia that comes from schizophrenia. You never get to feel at ease. Having curtains in the windows help but not as much as one would think. I continuously look out the windows whenever I hear any kind of sound. Always looking around when out in public, making sure no one is too close. Always double checking your pockets or purse to make sure no one has stolen anything, or put anything in there.

So you have no motivation yet you’re scared,or worried, about having no motivation and then you feel like people are out to get you, or cause you harm in some way. You want to clean but you can’t because someone may be watching you through the window that doesn’t have a curtain. So you just sit in your kitchen hoping no one comes over.

It’s a never ending cycle. The meds help some, and having Michael home helps too. I know he gets annoyed by me sometimes because I make him answer the door or check out a noise outside, but it helps me relax more than he will ever know.

My counselor tells me to take things one day at a time, and I try to do that, but it’s hard when you have anxiety over what will happen later in the week or month. Especially when you feel like nothing goes the way you plan, ever. You are always taking everything personally, and you can never really tell who is a friend and who isn’t. You constantly overthink and then think your underthinking things. Loud noises drive you crazy because you can’t hear anything else around you and could possibly get hurt from something you didn’t hear coming. The list goes on and on, so taking it one day at a time is hard.

Sleep isn’t just sleep anymore, it’s an escape……

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