I remember staring at the bright light above me, pleading with god to let my baby live. Then I hear people yelling at me. I can’t make it out at first, but I hear a cry. A sound I’ve heard 3 times before. I can finally make out what these people are yelling at me “look at your baby! It’s a girl!” Seeing her for the first time was the best and worse thing I have ever been through. She was red and so tiny, 2lbs 1 oz, but she was crying and kicking. I had so much faith at that time that she would live and be healthy.
I couldn’t go see her for 8 hours after she was born. That seemed like forever, but you can get your ass as soon as the clock hit 8 hours exactly I was calling the nurse to take me to see her. I walked down to the nursery while Michael pushed a wheelchair behind me. I’m not sure how many people know this but you have to scrub down before you can go into the nicu, just like a surgeon before surgery.
We walked in and I saw my baby for the first time since she was born. Tubes and wires filled her little bed. It was so much to take in, but I just kept telling myself she is alive, i think that’s what got me through the nicu stay.
She couldn’t nurse because she was so small so I would pump. They wouldn’t feed her with a bottle but with a little q tip. They would dunk it in my breast milk and then roll it around her mouth. She was also hooked up to an IV that was giving her nutrients. Soon they hooked up a ng tube to fees her and she started taking it very well.
After I was discharged I went back to the nicu every other day. Michael would meet me up there and we would see our beautiful, strong little girl. Finally I was able to hold her. I remember Michael taking a picture of me holding her and my boob was literally bigger than she was. Those were the best moments. She was doing so well she was even impressing the doctors.
One day as I was getting ready to come visit her I got a phone call. It was her doctor. She told me my little girl had an infection in her intestines and would have to be transferred to a bigger hospital 4 hours away to be near a surgeon, just in case.
She was transferred by plane. I got to ride with her. That was the scariest flight I have ever been on. I remember thinking “if this plane goes down at least I’ll die with my baby.”
We get to the hospital and they begin setting her up in her own little cubical. It took a while and I felt like I was in the way so I went down to grab something to eat and have a smoke.
A while after we were at the new hospital the doctor told me that they were going to put her on a special formula, because she couldn’t digest my breast milk. How horrible it was to hear that you were killing your baby. How could breast milk be bad for a baby? But I told the doctor to do what she thought was best.
Things were going good for awhile and then her lungs colapsed. She was put on a new ventilator that gave very quick burst of oxygen into her lungs to open them back up. It shook her whole body. It was terrifying.
As if all of this wasn’t enough, after they got her lungs open she got that infection again. This time antibiotics were not working and it had scared her intestines to the point they were almost closed off. She had to go into surgery. That was the longest 4 hours of my life. Thankfully everything went great, other than them having to take more than they thought.
So here I have a little girl who has had numerous infections, blood transfusions, lungs collapsing, and major surgery, and now she is a healthy 2 year old who has no health concerns. How’d I get so lucky?
You may not understand today or tomorrow, but eventually God will reveal why you went through everything you did….