I get a message on facebook….. it’s my brother. I haven’t seen him in 12 years and I haven’t talked to him in probably 5.
He’s asking how I’m doing. We do small talk for a few minutes. Then he says ” if I tell you something do you promise to keep it between us?” This gets my attention. He’s 50 miles away from me! I start asking questions like a crazy person. Finally he asks if I can give him a ride the following day. I said I would but our sister will be with me.
As we get closer to picking him up my anxiety gets higher and higher. Do I hug him? Is that wierd? High five maybe? Hand shake? We finally get there and it’s a totally different person than I remember. We both get out and awkwardly give him a hug.
The whole day seemed awkward. I couldn’t put my finger on it. Was it because my sister was with us? Was it him just using us for a ride? Was it that no one knew what to say? What do you say to someone you haven’t seen in over a decade?
My mind seems to be working differently these days. Old me would be freaking out because I thought he was just using us. I would be telling Michael all about it and probably in tears. My brother and I used to be super close. You know, That older brother little sister bond. But I can honestly say, i don’t feel it any more. He’s a stranger. I tell Michael about our day and tell him my thoughts on my brother just using us for a ride. I tell him about how the ball is in my brothers court and if he doesn’t want a relationship with me than that’s fine too. Afterall, he is more of a stranger now. And I ment it. This time I ment it! I’m so tired of trying for relationships that are so one sided. If you need to use me for a ride and want nothing else just say so. Don’t go around with this I miss you bullshit. I still would have given you a ride.
Still I feel I did something wrong. How did we go from being so close to not even recognizing each other? I’d like to blame it on his wife, but that’s not fair. I know how it feels for your spouse’s family to target you. In reality it’s him. She can tell him to stay away from me all she wants, but it’s him that makes the decision. And I don’t know maybe it was me, maybe I did something wrong, or didn’t hold up my end of the relationship like I should have. My guess is I will never know.
I should talk to him about it but I fear it will only turn into things he thinks i want to hear and not honesty. I find honesty is so hard to find. I admit I have eluded honesty from time to time, however, if someone asks me for it I will always give it. Which is more than I can say about alot of people.
I guess time will tell what the future holds for my brother and my relationship. But for now I won’t pressure or nag. I’ll let him make the next move.
Sometimes family isn’t blood……