It was 2004. My best friend was in town that summer staying with her grandmother. We longed, each year, for summer to come. This ment 3 months of exploring the town and sharing stories of our long school year apart.
I’ve read that people have more than one soul mate. Soul mate meaning not only your lover but your friends as well. And she was mine. My first soulmate. We could go for months without talking and then pick right back up when we did. We shared everything.
This summer, particularly, was one I would remember for the restof my life. We had a blast, taking turns staying at my house and then her grandmothers. Staying up late talking and sneaking out of the house to drink only to realize we had more fun laying in bed talking about nothing.
Most days we spent outside, walking around town. Our other friend lived just across town and would meet up with us to walk to the near by gas station, or walk around talking and laughing. We soon became the 3 amigos. If we were out he was with us. I don’t think he had many friends if any at all, except for us. And I don’t think, Well I know, his homelife was less than perfect. But we enjoyed spending time with him and he seemed to enjoy spending time with us.
Teenagers at the time ment hormones and rebellion ran high. Hence the sneaking out at night to drink. Alcohol that our friend stole from his mom, not that she ever noticed, or maybe she willingly gave to him. Silver wolf vodka is what we got 99% of the time. The thought of it still makes my stomach turn.
One night we asked her grandmother to let us sleep out in the trees. She had 3 pine trees that formed a sort of half circle in her back yard. Living in a small town, 300 people or so, she agreed. We spent most of that evening setting up our little hide out. Blankets, pillows, and a little side table for our drinks and snacks.
Finally it was time to go out to our little hide out nestled in those huge pine trees. Of course we told our friend about it and guess who was waiting for us. We turned on our flashlights and talked and laughed a while. When we thought her grandparents were asleep we snuck away to wonder the town and drink. We wondered for a while and decided to go back.
We sat talking awhile longer when finally we were tired. Our friend had gone home and we lay backs to each other talking until we fell asleep.
I feel a sharp pain and a huge amount of pressure on top of me. I can’t move. I open my eyes, quickly almost in tears from the pain. What I saw will forever haunt me.
He was supposed to be my friend. Why is he doing this? He tells me I want it. I have been flirting with him all night. I want to yell and kick, but I’m paralized.
After what seemed like hours finally a door opens and he quickly flees. I cover up and pretend to sleep. Her grandmother comes to check on us and then goes back to bed, having no idea what she just saved me from. I cry silently.
My back turned to my friend, I hear her roll over. She’s giggling. “OMG I can’t believe you just had sex!” I give out a fake chuckle “me either!” How do you tell your best friend, your soulmate, what just happened? As teenagers you want to be cool and popular. You want your friends to think your awesome. How do I tell her I wasn’t a willing party in that? So i just play along on the outside, but on the inside I’m breaking.
Force it down Kirsten. Push it to the back burner. Nobody likes a whiner. Nobody wants to hear about it. Other people have it worse. For years I forced it out of my mind. The first time since the incident that I had said anything about it is when I had to explain to my boyfriend, now husband, years later that I wasn’t a virgin. As much as I wanted to be for him, I had that stolen from me, from him.
Being sexually assaulted is not your fault. You did nothing wrong. You didn’t wear the wrong clothes or say the wrong thing. You did not make him do it or “want it”. You didn’t drink to much. I know the easiest or what seems like the easiest, thing to do is hide it, but please don’t. Get help. Talk to somebody you trust.
A burden is easier if you have help.