A little back story

Hey there!  I’m Kirsten, a mom of 4 and a wife, struggling with her mental health and being the best mom and wife I can be. I think all of us mom’s can agree that being a mom is both amazing yet defeating at times.

I am a stay at home mom who homeschools.  I have a love hate relationship with this.  I’m married to my high school sweetheart, Michael.  Saying my life is chaotic is an understatement.

So a little back story about me and my crazy family.  Michael and I started dating in high school. We dated foŕ 4 years before we got married.  Right before he joined the national gaurd.  We got pregnant during his break from AIT (Advanced Individual Training).  At 20 and 19 we had our first child, Damien.  We were both so in love with him!  Three months later we took in my nephew, Daiton.  Damien looked at him as his older brother and Michael and I felt we were gifted with 2 sons.  We loved our little family.  About a year after that we got pregnant with our second child, Scarlett.  We were in a panic. How are we going to afford 3 children?  Five months after Scarlett was born Daiton went back to his mom. We felt relief yet our hearts broke.  About a year after Scarlett was born we found out we were having a third child.  How are we going to do this?  Three kids, one parent working. What are we going to do?  I got a job and mike found a better paying job.  Although the panic was real, the joy our third child, Cain, gave us was unimaginable.

Three children, financially unstable, and exhausted, the fighting began between Michael and I.   We were adamant that we were not having any more children.  I made an appointment to get an IUD. As I’m sitting in my hospital gown, on the table, my doctor informs me that I’m pregnant again!  My youngest at this point was only a few months old.  Here we go again!  We must be the most fertile people on the planet!  Again what are we to do?  A fourth child!  But we pushed through and became excited about having a new baby.  At 25 weeks I delivered my baby girl.  This was the scariest time in my whole life.  Stay tuned for that story.

After about 8 months Michael got deployed.  This was the second worst time in my life.  Post partum, anxiety, depression, and eventually found out schizophrenia.  I was seeing a counselor and a psychiatric nurse once a week.  I was on meds, but at that testing phase. Try this med for a month, try that one for a month, try these together, increase this , decrease that.  It was a nightmare. I wanted nothing to do with my kids, I wanted to sleep all day, nothing got done around the house, unless social services were coming.  It was a nightmare.  It got so bad my counselor called the red cross and had Michael sent home after only 4 months of his 11 month deployment.

I felt like a failure, I felt like I had taken something from him that I could never give back.  The meds continued to change and eventually I ended up in the psych ward for a week.  The psychiatrist there changed my medication again.  Finally something that worked!  I was me again, or at least as much of me as I could get.

Life was going great for a few months before I lost my insurance and couldn’t afford my meds.  I felt fine for a while but slowly I started falling back into that hole I never wanted to be in again.  I finally got insurance again and at my first appointment with my psychiatric nurse I was told I would be on meds for the rest of my life.  That was a huge pill to swallow.  But I got back on my meds and am doing well……for now.

So there’s a little bit about my life since meeting my husband.  I’m hoping this blog will help other mom’s, especially mom’s who are stuggleing with their mental health.  I can’t wait for you to come on this adventure I call life, with me!



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